A Compromise Marriage

The family is the groundwork to any society. At least that is what I've observed and been told by my religion.

It seems that if a family does well, or the family unit is properly cohesive, than all members of that family seem to succeed.

They say:

"Behind every great man is a great woman"

And they say this for a reason, because for any man to succeed he needs his shortcomings fixed or dealt with.

That's where the beauty in marriage and partnership arises, both partners gain from the other, and both help plug up any weak spots in the other, thus actualizing both individuals.


So as i watched the sun come up this morning, waking up after fajr(morning prayers) and unable to sleep, i thought of these many things, and one other point that started this whole conversation in my mind.

The key word that describes what made me think of this whole topic and want to blog about it is this:

Compromise

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The state of our affairs and the state of the family unit seems to now hinge on this, from what I've personally witnessed and from my own experiences.

The man is known to be the one who is supposed to be the bread winner, and in Islam he is actually defined as that, that it is his, and only his, duty to provide for the family.

That doesn't mean the wife can't be the one who is the bread winner of the family, just that it's not her responsibility.

A good example:

You go to work and your swamped by all the projects and assignments they want you to do.

Your boss seeing that your busy feels no regret and gives you another assignment to do on top of everything else, putting you even further behind on your work.

Your friend offers to help you by doing this new assignment, you tell him that's o.k and you can do it, but he insists seeing you are struggling to keep up.

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According to your boss, you are responsible for turning in that new project they gave you. According to everyone actually, even though you expect your friend to now finish the project, it ultimately is your responsibility.

Anyways, luckily for you, your friend was generous and decided to take that new assignment from you to help you, even though it is not his/her responsibility. They then give you the assignment to turn in when they've finished it, helping lessen your work load.

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Similarly, you are in charge of bringing in the ample amount of money to sustain your family, not your wife, although she is allowed to help you whenever she wants, she doesn't have to but she can.

For example if your family is struggling she may give a higher percentage of her income, or maybe take a job (if she wasn't working), to help pay for the family's expenses.

(To be fair to men, at a certain point, when the family is struggling very hard, it might become wrong for a woman to not sacrifice and give some of her God given wealth to her family.

After all, hoarding it for herself, when her family is struggling doesn't seem like the most moral of things to do and I'm sure God would agree with that point. Her children would agree too.)
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So what does this have to do with compromise? This income responsibility, is the framework for the problem.

It seems now that woman, specifically Muslims, but also some non-Muslims, have started compromising on the qualities they want for a husband, if he has a safe and steady income coming in.

Definition:
Safe income implying that it's high enough not to have to worry about money too much, or at all, and steady being some sort of job security.

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I've seen on a number of occasions people putting too much weight on this standard, this safety standard.

They are thinking that if they solve their money problems now, the rest of the marriage will be easier.

The problem with this is, while money is important to a marriage, if it is one of the factors of the marriage, what do you do later on once you're settled, have a home, and are getting ready to start a family?

You now live with a person who isn't the ideal man, or close to it, and now all you have to show for it is a shiny car and a large home.

What do you do now? Do you learn to love? Can you handle the rough edges of your husband, can you maybe smooth them over.

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The sad thing about this situation is a woman does become emotionally attached to the guy, even if he isn't her ideal candidate.

How can you not become emotionally attached during the engagement and early marriage?

Women can give their hearts away, and they can create links of love with partners, so the issue isn't if they'll fall in love, there will be some love there if not a lot.

The issue is, the love,
that you generated,
the chain that you created,
will be constantly fighting the rough edges of the husband you picked.

Wouldn't you rather be living with someone, you fell in love with, not created love with.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is, if not the ideal husband, very close to it?

Someone who meets the standards you first set down as a young teenager, or a child dreaming of her prince?

When did you become "disenchanted" and feel this was an illusion?

When did money become so important to you, especially in Islam?

Can a home, a nice car, and not worrying about money really make up for the man you truly would have fallen in love with and enjoyed every minute with?

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By the way, this would be a good time to show what percentage of people actually struggle with money, just to show you how many good male candidates for marriage are essentially being removed from the marriage equation:

(click on it to see it bigger)

Sources:
Original
http://www.visualizingeconomics.com/2006/11/05/2005-us-income-distribution/

Easy to see number document:
http://spreadsheets.google.com/ccc?key=pm4cd7yw3dLxIq4cxYi26Gg

Actual 2005 Census data source:
http://pubdb3.census.gov/macro/032006/hhinc/new06_000.htm

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So as of 2005, more than 60% of people in America struggled with their income, making less than $57,660.

That's more than half of America, so you can just imagine how many good Muslim candidates you've removed there.

You only get to the safe level at about 80%, so about 20% of households make $91,705 or more.
Or another way of saying it, 80% of the population makes less than 91 thousand dollars.

You may be saying, "Phoenix, 91 thousand is too much, what about 80 or 75, that might be considered safe"?

I would concede the point and so, alright, let us use that marker, and at about $75,000, you would be making more than 70-75% of the population.

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So what are we saying here? What does all this information imply?

It implies, if you truly want safety, if your most important criteria is to be stable economically, than you now have to pick between 1 in 4 men.

Actually there is catch... and your pick is less than 1 in 4 men.

About 70-75% of the population is out of your hands, and mind you that's not all men, that's men and woman, so if your a woman looking for a husband, the 30-25% that's left is about half woman and half men.

So 30-25%, divided by 2 = 15%-12.5%

So you now have lost 85% of the population, and are left with, at best, 15% all being male Americans of different ethnicities and religions, but all being safe and meeting your economic criteria of about 70,000 dollars a year or more.

Convert those numbers to Muslims(Not just Americans)... and boom, who knows how little your crop of men becomes.

And don't even start with being thin instead of being fat, or tall instead of short. Atleast 1 in 3 Americans is considered overweight and that number is now being ratcheted up to 2 out of every three Americans.

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So think, just those 2 criteria, weight and economical safety, just about eliminate the vast majority of your crop leaving you with some very sparse few pickings.

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It's no wonder that I sit by and watch more and more woman pick people who are economically safe but clearly lack other necessary traits and again it's clear right from the get go.

So again i go back to these questions:

Wouldn't you rather be living with someone, you fell in love with, not created love with.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is if not the ideal husband, very close to it?

Someone who meets the standards you first set down as a young teenager, or a child dreaming of her prince?

When did you become "disenchanted" and feel this was an illusion?

When did money become so important to you, especially in Islam?

Can a home, a nice car, and not worrying about money really make up for the man you truly would have fallen in love with and enjoyed every minute with?

Stop compromising.

If you must compromise, compromise on MONEY, if nothing else, rather than compromise on the most important thing:

THE TRAITS OF YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND!

The Prophet of Islam(s.aw) once tackled this same issue, and i urge all woman who want an economically safe husband to read this story:

Jowaibir And Zalfa

"How beautiful it were if you could marry and establish a family, ending this forlorn and isolated lif? You could fulfill your natural urges and also she could help you in your temporal and spiritual needs and goals."

"O Messenger of Allah, I have neither wealth nor beauty; nor I have a noble descent or lineage. Who will marry me? And which woman likes to be wife of a poor, short, black and ugly man like me?"
"O Jowaiber! God has changed the individual's worth through Islam. Many people were high places in the pre Islamic society and Islam brought them down. Many were despised nonentities and Islam bestowed them with honor and high rank and brought them up. Islam abolished the un Islamic discrimination and pride of lineage. Now all people irrespective of their color and origin are equal. Nobody has superiority over others but through piety and obedience to Allah. Among the Muslims, only that person would be higher than you whose virtues and deeds are better that you. Now do as I tell you."

These words were exchanged one day between the Prophet and Jowaibir when the Prophet came to see the people of 'Suffa'.
Jowaiber was a native of 'Yamamah' where he came to know about the Prophet and the advent of Islam. He was poor, black and short, but at the same time intelligent truth seeking and a man of determination. He came to Medina to look at Islam from near; in a short time he embraced Islam. Since he had neither money, house nor any friends, he temporarily was accommodated along with other poor Muslims in the Mosque by permission of the Prophet. When it was revealed unto the Prophet that the Mosque was not a place of habitation, it became necessary to shift them elsewhere. The Prophet selected a site outside the Mosque and erected a shed of them. The place was named as 'Suffa' and the residents were known as 'Ashab-e-Suffa' ; all of them poors from places far away from Medina.

The Prophet came to visit them one day. Noticing Jowaibir among them, and he decided to bring him out of this forlorn life. It was beyond the fancy of Jowaibir to own a house and have a wife in his condition. And that was why he replied to Prophet as to how it was possible for anyone to accept him in matrimony when the Prophet advised him to marry. But the Prophet removing his doubts, explained to him the changes brought about in the social outlook of the people by Islam.
After bringing Jowaibir out of his inferiority complex, he directed him to house of Ziad-ibne-Lubaid to request him for his daughter's hand in marriage.

Ziad was one of the wealthiest persons of Medina and commanded high respect among his tribes. When Jowaibir entered his house, he was surrounded by his relatives and some of his tribes-men. Jowaibir took a seat, paused for a moment and then raising his head said, ''I have brought a message from the Prophet. Do you like to hear it confidentially or openly?"
Ziad: " A message from the Prophet is an honor to me, better you tell it openly."
"The Prophet has sent me to request you for your daughter for myself"
"Did he himself make this suggestion to you?""
"I don't speak on my own accord. Everybody knows me, I am not a liar""
"Strange! We don't give our daughters to persons of unequal status nor outside our tribe. You go back; I shall go to the Prophet and have a talk with him myself."
Jowaibir left the house murmuring: 'By God, whatever the Quran teaches and whatever is the purpose of the prophethood of Muhammad is totally against what Ziad says."
Those nearby heard his murmuring; and then Zalfa, the lovely daugther of Ziad, and the beauty-queen of Medina, heard these words of Jowaibir. She came to her father and asked: 'Father, what was that man who just went out saying? And what did he mean?'
"He had come to ask for your hand in marriage and was claiming that the Prophet had sent him for this purpose."
"Isn't it possible that he had really sent him, and thus your rejection may amount to disobedience of Prophet's order?"
"What do you feel about it?"
"I feel you should bring him back before he reaches to Prophet, and then go yourself to find out the truth."

He brought Jowaibir back to his house with due respect, and then himself hurried up to the Prophet. When he saw him he said:
"O Messenger of God, Jowaibir came to my house and brought such and such a message from you. I would like to inform you that our custom is to give our daughters to persons of equal status and belonging to our tribe, who are all your helpers and companions."
"O Zaid, Jowaibir is a Faithful man. That dignity and honor which you are talking about has now been abrogated. Every Believer man is equal ( for marriage purpose) to every Believer woman."
Ziad retuned to his house and explained the matter to his daughter. She said, "Please do not reject the proposal put by the Prophet. This matter concerns me. I accept Jowaibir whatever his condition may be. If the Prophet is please with it, I am also pleased."

The wedding was duly solemnized. Ziad paid 'Mahr' (Marriage) from his own wealth and offered good articles to the pair. They asked the bridegroom, "Have you got a house where to take the bride?" He said, "No, I had never thought that I would get a wife and sattle in domestic life. It was the Prophet who came suddenly and had a talk with me and sent me to Ziad's house."
Ziad arranged for him a house equipped with complete house-hold effects, and transferred the bride superbly adorned with ornaments and perfumes.
Night came. Jowaibir did not know where was the house meant for him. He was guided to the house and led to bridal-chamber. When he saw the house and its equipments and looked at the dazzling bride, his past came to his mind and he said to himself, 'How poor I was when I entered this city. I had nothing; neither money nor beauty, neither any lineage nor family; now God made these affluences available to me through Islam. Indeed it is Islam that has brought such changes in the social outlook of the people beyond any imagination. How grateful I am to God for bestowing upon me all these Blessings!'

Source:
From the book Anecdotes of Pious Men
By: Ayatollah Murtada Mutahhari

I have no problem marrying my ideal wife dirt poor and with nothing to her name(no cars, home, or inheritance).

Can current day women say that?
Or more importantly, to me anyways, can current day Muslim women say that?

There was a time where they could, nowadays I'm not so sure.

A part of the story mentioned above that needs to be reiterated:

"O Messenger of Allah, I have neither wealth nor beauty; nor I have a noble descent or lineage. Who will marry me? And which woman likes to be wife of a poor, short, black and ugly man like me?"

"O Jowaiber! God has changed the individual's worth through Islam. Many people were high places in the pre Islamic society and Islam brought them down. Many were despised non-entities and Islam bestowed them with honor and high rank and brought them up. Islam abolished the un-Islamic discrimination and pride of lineage. Now all people irrespective of their color and origin are equal. Nobody has superiority over others but through piety and obedience to Allah. Among the Muslims, only that person would be higher than you whose virtues and deeds are better that you.

If only you were here, to see the state of your ummah.

That we have been debased to such a lowly form, that a person is willing to give up their ideal husband, and partake another man, if the other man be more economically stable.

The majority of America struggles with money, is that such a bad thing that you would sacrifice your heart to a man unworthy, just to rid yourself of this travesty?

Is not your compromise, in the end, the true travesty?

Would you pity the majority of people happy and content with their spouse, never worrying about the future, being with the person they love?

Such people who are not economically stable, but possibly people as happy as your parents were?

Are they the ones truly in need of pity?

Or would they pity you, surrounded by shiny objects, a true love no where nearby to be seen, and many an arguement at night to be heard?